Easier to run

This story is about the sexual abuse of a little woman. This story may contain triggers that may emotionally affect a survivor of sexual abuse. .

Girl, thank you for trusting me with your story.

Please note the following: the man we are talking about is 30 years older than her. The word ‘penis’ has been replaced with the word ‘love’ as that is what he used to call it.

Little One,

I am the shadow of your future and I have so much to tell you - the world is a big place full of ups and downs. It can be hell but you will feel magic. Many times, you will be the one to cast the spell. Most nights when you cry yourself to sleep, blaming yourself for all things wrong, believe that it is not your fault. Loving is a virtue and no matter how badly you get hurt, learn to move on. You become the princess you've always wanted to be - and despite the scars, you will find many, many people in debt to you.

People will tell you time and again that you wear shoes of a much older person - perhaps you were gifted with more intelligence. You will become condescending because of it but you will soon realize, your perceptiveness is what others see in you as your maturity. Even at 6, you will have older men think you love and understand them in a way that no one else would. It doesn't matter that his breath smells of the liquid your father told you is the "adult juice that children should not drink". Does it make him bad? No, you will decide. You have always loved him and would do anything for his attention. Someday you wish to be married to him. He doesn't treat you like a child - it makes you angry that everyone else does.

You love him even more when the two of you go off on adventures to slay the monster that has been attacking all the fairies in town. You defeat all the monsters. You and he are the stuff that legends are made off. And like all fairy tales, there has to be a wedding. You're all dolled up and ready to walk down the aisle towards your happily ever after. Life as you know it would end - that much the world and the adults would teach you.

After the ceremony where the tree lord anoints you man and wife, you will turn to him in your excitedness, hug him and peck him on the cheek. What a bold step that would seem to you - so scandalous. You will be proud of yourself. And then he will carry you to your room. Kings and Queens sleep on the same bed.

You will be so thrilled it'll be hard for you to sleep. You will be lying in his arms and looking into his eyes. This floating feeling in your heart - that's what love is.

He will reach out to hold you. He will trace outlines on your cheeks and slowly on your lips and he will slowly kiss you. You will draw back. Mummy and Daddy always change the channel when the uncles and aunties on tv do it. You panic thinking this is wrong while gradually his kissing becomes more forceful. He's nibbling on your lips and you feel his tongue in your mouth. THIS IS WRONG - the voice in your head will yell. But it feels good.

Slowly his hands go up your shirt and then he will hold your hand in that same loving way that he does when you go searching for flowers in the summer - the best days of the year. He will continue looking into your eyes and smiling. Despite the dull throb in your head, you can't help but forget your thoughts. You will tell him you love him and will always love him. He will tell you he loves you and he will tell you that he will show you how much.

He will take your hand and put it on a private part. While you were looking longingly in his eyes he had taken off his clothes. He will be naked and you will remember thinking that mummy would have said "shame shame" if she had seen him like this. But you love him and he shows you how the more you love him, the larger he will get. He will tell you that to prove that you love him you will have to rhythmically caress him until the force of his love will make him cry out. You will whimper because you are scared and because it is the first time, he will guide you. Soon he will start breathing harder.

He will pinch you and kiss you and bite you and you will feel the pain and you will do nothing but cry silent tears. Before you know it, he will take off your clothes too and start rubbing himself against you. You are hurting all over and very soon something sticky will be clinging to your body and he will fall down exhausted.

Your heart would have stopped beating. You will feel yourself out of your body. And since you have no shame left, you will escape from him and run to the bathroom. You will stand in front of your mirror and notice all the bites and scratches. You will notice mummy's special bleach on the top most shelves. You will climb up the WC to get it, falling, falling, falling as you reach for it. You will put some in a cup and wash yourself. The marks will not go. The scars will not heal. You will still feel his mouth all over your body. You will wash yourself till you fall down exhausted. Mummy, Daddy will find you. They will look shocked. Mummy will start crying. She will ask you what happened. You remember that the only one who loves you and treats you right is sleeping in the next room - a guest. You will lie because you love him and he showed you how much he loved you. You will say that you fell off the bicycle. They believe you and ground you from using your one piece of freedom. You will accept it. That's what people do for people they love - make sacrifices.

You are SIX and it is not your fault. But this and the countless other similar experiences with other people you have loved will play for years and years in your head. The wounds will run so deep that it will never show and it will never go away. You will hate yourself and you will hate your body. You will hate men and because of that you will try to change your appearance. Perhaps if you were like a man, others will not show you the hardness of their "love". It will not work. In fact, it will excite people more. You comfort eat, become plumper and plumper. At 12, you will look like you're 16. Men will line up for you wanting you to show them the way of love. You continue hating yourself.

But you were six. and then seven. and then eight. and then nine and the years slowly become a blur. You are 16 and you've pushed most of these incidents to the back of your mind. You are numb. You chase away people who truly love you. You will realize that it is easier to run away. Love has been treacherous. And you will find one who will respect you and ask you to hold your hand. He will put the magic back in life and show you how to reach through the highly fortified walls around your heart. You will start experiencing everything again through the eyes of the child. You will learn to forgive God. You will realize that because of your experience, you are who you are today - one who is reaching out to children by the 100s - hearing their stories of abuse. Helping them say no the way you finally said no. Loving them in a way their abusers never did. And you will show them that it is not their fault. And in doing so they will show you it was never your fault.

Suddenly you will find that at 21, you would have found yourself and life again. You, along with the other survivors of abuse will shake up the world and make it safe again.

It has never been anyone's fault. You are beautiful to the depths of your heart. Your scars are beautiful and the world needs to share in it for closure. In that, find strength.

To that 6 year old me - You are not ugly. You are loved.

This extraordinary lady was courageous enough to confront this man. To me she stand out as an epitome of courage and womanhood. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for being so beautiful!

If any of you have questions or would like to say something to her, you can comment on this (with your name or as an anonymous comment. Also, she views my blog regularly so she will read it) or you can mail them to me so I can forward them to her.